The year is l988
I woke up. Stranger was standing by my bed. From him flowed a feeling of peace and security, so I was not scared.
“Come,” he said as he gave me his hand.
I got up and laid my hand in his, and followed him without any question.
We moved quietly through unfamiliar surroundings. I felt we walked into some sort of room. It was empty and white.
I looked amazed around me. Suddenly pictures appeared in front of me. They appeared and disappeared again so quickly that I did not see what they were. But suddenly they stopped. It was some kind of live film that I could enter. My escort took my hand and led me into the picture.
I looked down to a river bank. ‘Mississippi’ I thought.
A large and beautiful tree grew by the river bank and a pier reach into the river, on it stood an old, black man.
I looked at the old man. He had fishing net in his left hand and was looking at a young, white man, who was telling him what to do. The old man was obviously the young man’s slave.
I walked closer and looked at his face. It was wrinkled and his eyes looked sad and tired and I could detect fear in them. The old man looked towards me, our eyes met. I was startled and a cold chill went through me.
“That is me,” I said. I was terrified and grabbed firmly to my escort.
“The old man is me”, I repeated. “How can this be? What is happening?” I almost cried out of fear. As soon I had said this the picture disappeared and other came in its place.
I saw houses standing by a street. In the distance I saw a large public garden. I knew that this was Paris. Many people were there, both on foot and in carriages.
In front of me I saw a young woman walking towards me. She had with her a little boy and a little girl. She was neat, had a hat on her head that was bound with a broad ribbon under her chin. She wore a long coat which was fastened down to her waist. When she walked her coat opened up in the front, so that I could see a beautiful silk dress.
I looked at her face. She was youthful with a smooth, beautiful skin. She looked towards me and our eyes met. My heart sank. Again I knew myself.
“This is me,” I said surprised and scared. I held tight on to my escort. “This is really me.”
Again the picture changed.
Now I looked over the vast grasslands.
Ahead I saw a man on a horse and behind him I could see a city, I knew it was Rome.
The man was riding towards me. On his head he bore a beautifully decorated helmet. The helmet formed a V on his forehead and reached down in front of his ears and went in a bend over and behind his ears.
When he came close he stopped and took off his helmet. This was a young man with blond hair and light skin, very beautiful.
“As a Greek god,” I said and thereby met our eyes. Also he was me. My amazement was not as great now as before.
“This is me,” said I to my escort, I was not as shocked as before.
The picture changed.
In front of me was a mountain. Ledges had been cut into the mountain at regular intervals, where the people grew their food. ‘Tibet’ I thought. There were men, women and children standing on the ledges, they were dressed in colorful clothes and all looked in the same direction, as if they were to observing something.
I moved up the mountain until I came up to the top. I saw a group of monks standing in a straight row and looking in the same direction as the people.
They were wearing red coats with peculiar hats on their heads. Some kind of hood that looked like a high and thin triangle with attached piece of fabric which reached down to their shoulders.
I looked at the monks. They were both old and young men. My eyes stopped at the face of young monk who stood next to me. Our eyes met. The young monk was me.
“There I am,” I said as I pointed in the direction of the young monk.
At the same time disappeared the picture.
In front of me appeared a beautiful tree grove. I saw a group of men sitting in the shade of the trees talking to each other.
My escort, who had been silent all the time, now spoke.
“You are there among them,” he said, “say your name.”
His voice was the sound of beauty and power and full of life and at the same time gentle and soft, I had never before heard such a voice. It was like the whole world was speaking to me.
“No” I said and turned my back to the picture.
“Why not” he asked.
“I do not want to be him” I said determined.
“You would forgive any other,” he said in a calm voice, “why not yourself.”
“I do not want to be the one everyone hate” I said and I clenched my toes as to stand firm on the ground for I was not going to give in.
“Do you not trust your God,” he asked gently.
“Of course I do” I replied little reluctant.
“Try then.” I turned to the group again, “Judas Iscariot” I said as tears started to stream down my cheek. I cried. One of the men stood up and walked towards us. He stopped in front of me and smiled. Then he took my hands in his. Our eyes met and I knew that it was Judas Iscariot and at the same time me. My escort began to speak. I heard his beautiful voice but I did not hear the words for my own crying. While my escort spoke, shone a golden light on us, a kind of sun over our heads bathing us in its light where we stood hand in hand.
When we had done so for a while, my escort took my hand and led me away. I looked back and saw that the young man looked after us.
My escort brought me back to where he had picked me up and the next thing I knew was that I woke up in my bed. I was crying my eyes out with sorrow. I was terrified.
I did not know how I was supposed to take what had happened. I had never assumed past lives or other such.
I understood this not, was scared and confused. I wanted to dismiss this as a bad dream. But something in me refused.
In the dream I had not wanted to forgive and accept who I was and I did not yet. I could not accept to be a person the world hated. It was too painful and difficult to bear.
At this time I had a sister who I could turn to, talk to for advice. She could see this with neutral eyes and tell me her understanding and her vision of the event.
Additionally I met my escort, over and over again, in my dreams, where he tried to help me to understand and accept myself.
It took me a long time to accept what I had experienced. But gradually I learned to understand that this was not something I had been once up on a time, in past lives. I was it all now at this moment. Also all this I did not want to accept.
We have never been, we are, here and now, for all eternity.
I am a slave, lady, soldier, monk, and traitor. At this moment I am it all. I am all men at all times. Complete.